I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
