I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Herpes is trending, good job people
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
