I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
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My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
going to the ER y’all need anything
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.