I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
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*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
This guy’s not having it 😆
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
True.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
