Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

Creative Problem Solving

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

This is no longer winter this is harassment

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry