I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
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Time is precious, waste it wisely.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
