I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
You Might Also Like
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
opening twitter today
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.