I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
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AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
wtf is a larm clock?
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes