I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
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“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.