Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight