I really had high hopes for this year though
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why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Camping tip: No.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.