I really had high hopes for this year though
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[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
