I really had high hopes for this year though
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
those birds must be on payroll