Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

Fat chances are my favorite chances

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

Don’t make me out nice you.

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.