I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
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If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel