I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
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I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Here’s a meme
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️