I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
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Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Always a metermaid never a meter
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat