Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.