I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
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*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Things will get butter, keep churning
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
ok this is my dumbest yet
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.