Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”