I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
This seems like peak sibling energy
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
