I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
