I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Has science gone too far?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
