Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for