I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
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her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.