I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
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I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
your honor my client chooses dare
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.