“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
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If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
WWE is French for “yes”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building