I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
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Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
[shakes fist at other fist]
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
why isn’t thunder called soundning