I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
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Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
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my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.