Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!