Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

Why is everyone getting married at me

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

Dyslexics are teople poo!

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up