I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
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The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Someone just threatened to call me later
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
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My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
aura
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.