I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
You Might Also Like
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Hell yeah 👍
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Not all heroes wear capes….
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.