I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
