Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

🇺🇸🤭

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

I want to meet the individual who made this

I falcon love using swear birds