Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

That’s not how days work.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island