Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

accurate

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.