I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
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I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far