I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
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So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Very good news from my accountant
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something