Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.