I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
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*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker