I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Covid like
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.