I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
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ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’