I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
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[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.