I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
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Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
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Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
My neck my back my allergy attack
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Money is the root of all wealth
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
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Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.