I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
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To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*