I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
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How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
english majors be like furthermore
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.