Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.