Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

I’m a bad influence on myself.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up