I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
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The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I saw this ending much differently.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets