I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

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[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?


9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I’m ordering new furniture with his college fund.


ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant


You scream, I scream, we all scream, then I leave the women’s restroom.


They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.


Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside


The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb


Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.