Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

If my kids invented a drink.

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

Split the bill

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name