Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

I have a new favorite meme page

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.