I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
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Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I need this for my side hustle.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.