Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

From Facebook just now…

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

Warm pools make me nervous.

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

they should create new variants of dopamine

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it