i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
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Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Swedish for common sense.
