Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

The news in a nutshell.

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1252270477923532800/pu/vid/576x1144/T6Fnim8dXZKWz_Ra.mp4?tag=10

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.