i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
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Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.