“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
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I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?