i really liked this one
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[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
The 4 stages of a family vacation
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off