i really liked this one
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Radiohead fans, this is for you.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I feel it
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.