i really liked this one
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Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work