Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.