I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
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There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
everyone has that one prude friend
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
#math
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.