Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

Remember folks 😂

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

found this cool rock hiking today

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.