replying to work emails like “So sorry for the late response! If it helps, I also haven’t talked to any of my loved ones recently.”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
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Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
God promised men that good obedient wives would be found in all 4 corners of the world, then he made the world round. What a funny guy
Eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underpants.
Why is Judge Judy in my house? And why is she wearing my underpants??
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
me: a carrot is a crop
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they’re such big fans but probably can’t even name 3 of his songs.