@mactx85

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

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@FeelingFisky

replying to work emails like “So sorry for the late response! If it helps, I also haven’t talked to any of my loved ones recently.”

@mxmclain

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

@Andrea__B__

God promised men that good obedient wives would be found in all 4 corners of the world, then he made the world round. What a funny guy

@Tups13

Eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underpants.

Whoa! Dude!

Why is Judge Judy in my house? And why is she wearing my underpants??

@Contwixt

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

@tiemoose

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

@Parkerlawyer

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

@robfee

I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they’re such big fans but probably can’t even name 3 of his songs.