I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
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The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
good let them take over I have had enough
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.