Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”