I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
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ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Look at this
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
What happened to the other hiker??!
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings