I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
You Might Also Like
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Ken is short for chicken
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.