Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.