Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room