Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

Peter Parker Peter Driver

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…