I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
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I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”