Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

Monday

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

seriously you guys

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish