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There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.